more grumbling

I have to do something to get myself out of this funk. I don't have much of an appetite and I have hardly spoken to my family today.

Every Sunday, after church, they have coffee and doughnuts. Since the older kids have Sunday School, I have to sit and wait for them to get out. So John and I go and have a doughnut (or 2) and Mark goes with us when he isn't at work. Today they are having a reception so it is extra crowded. John is sitting in a chair next to me eating his glazed doughnut. After the 1st one is finished he asked for more. So we go and get another one for him. After he finished the second one off, I took him into the bathroom to wash his face and hands. Grandma followed us into the bathroom. When we left the bathroom, he asked for another doughnut and I told him no. He then lays down on the floor near the table and refuses to get up. I just leave him there and make sure no one will step on him. Grandma comes up, leans down and grabs him by the seat of his pants and hauls him to his feet. he heads straight back over to the doughnuts. I grab him up and take him over to daddy. Grandma follows with her own doughnut that she proceeds to share with him. She finishes the first one and goes back and gets a second one to share with him. It dawned on me much later, that he got his way and got another doughnut in a round-about sort of way.
Well guess what happened after dinner tonight. John threw up. And I am blamed for giving him the second doughnut!!!! He ate his doughnuts at 11 am and throws up at 7:30 pm, but yet it is my fault!! I guess I need to find something "better" for him to eat then doughnuts. Either that or get him one and then leave with him so he won't want more. Why do I feel like such a bad mom?

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We are trying to plan our summer vacation. Realistically, I don't think it is going to happen financially. We owe Mark's dad some money. I paid a large chunk out of our tax return. It is definitely down to the point of me having him completely paid off in a year (or less). I didn't want to use our whole tax return on it but Mark wants to pay him off completely. So I am pretty sure our trip to California is out for this summer. I want to go see Liz. I am seriously tempted to figure out how to fly out there and surprise her ALONE!!! I'll have to check on airline tickets. HMMMMM???
Ok sorry, I got distracted there. So we are trying to figure out where we want (or can afford) to go. I mention Cody, WY, more than once and Mark has shot it down every time saying it sounds boring. He knows NOTHING about the place and yet he doesn't want to go. Fine. I am not going to give my input. I will go anywhere the kids and he decides and make all the plans or arrangements.

Who Am I??

At some point I think I have lost my identity.

What defines who I am? I am a mother and a wife. I don't feel like much else. What happened to me? Who am I?

Lately I don't even feel like I am good wife and mother. I feel like I am a lousy friend and I KNOW I am a lousy daughter. I go months without talking to my parents. That is with the exception of my step-dad. I used to talk to him daily, but even lately that is more like once a week.

Why am I seemingly jealous of my husband's friendships?

I just feel LOST. I don't get me time. I can't tell you the last time I had a chance to go do something that pampered me.

Mark has gone out and bought a gun and a scope for it. I asked him the other day if I could go get the blocks to go start working on my front flowerbed. He said no that we should wait. Well there goes another year. I can't plant any flowers. I pointed out to him today that he has gone and spent a bunch of money on hunting stuff recently and I asked him if I could get anything. He told me that he wants to do something special for me, but I never give him any money. Hell! I didn't go pick out that rifle or that scope. Why can't he just take me and HELP me pick out something? Crap by the time he is done getting all the hunting stuff he wants and paying off everything he wants to pay off. The whole damn tax return will be gone. And then we will be broke again and I still get put off.

Come next month he will be off hunting with his friends again. At least now Eric can go with him as long as it is on the weekends or after school.

I'm just tired of feeling lonely. The sad thing is he has been with me pretty much nonstop for the past 3 days. He left at 12:30 for lunch with a friend. It is now almost 8 pm and he still isn't home and he only called once. Hope he doens't expect a decent dinner. The kids had canned chicken noodle soup. I probably won't eat. He told me to make BBQ for dnner, but it's not like he was here to eat it anyway. Glad I didn't waste my time.