Devastating family news rattles the skeletons

I have received some really bad family news this weekend. I am not sure how to process it yet.

Some of it is not surprising, but the source is. It has dug up some skeletons in my closet that I have kept locked up for awhile. Now I need to deal with my demons and come to a solution of what to do.

I am going to start with my own skeletons. Maybe talking about them will help.

First off my family. My mom is the second child of 6. There were 5 girls and then the boy came last, he is 7 years older than me.

My mom met my dad when she was about 15. She turned 16 in October, they married in November, and I was born in June. They divorced a few months before I turned 5.

My earliest memory of the abuse was from when I was about 5. My uncle was probably 11 or 12, just hitting puberty. I spent a bunch of time at grandma's house. My mom was a single mom and my aunts helped take care of me so she could work.

My uncle's room was in the basement. I remember wearing a swimsuit and him trying to clean me up afterwards. From this point it went on until I was at LEAST 12 or 13. My last memory was of him sunbathing in the nude. This was after he had gone off to college and he had come home for the summer. He came in the house after he was done tanning and was rubbing all up against me (I was well developed for my age). I remember telling him to go away and leave me alone. He did and that was the end of that one.

At the age of 7, I was living in Oklahoma with my mom and her druggie boyfriend. That meant I spent 8 weeks every summer with my dad. He worked odd hours at a truck stop. I remember having several really cool babysitters over the years. I also remember Joe.

Joe was dad's roommate. He "taught" me way more than I EVER needed to know. Like my uncle who started before him, this continued on for several years. I know I wasn't his only victim. He also abused my dad's best friend's, David (God rest his soul), little girl. She was just a few years younger than myself. I will also admit that we had a pseudo-lesbian experience when we were WAY TOO YOUNG to be experimenting with crap like that.

I never told anybody about Joe. Especially not my dad. I was young and didn't know better. What's funny is all of this happened at the time Webster was on TV doing commercials on this very subject matter.

Believe it or not, I actually have one more incident. My grandfather. My dearly departed, beloved grandfather. I was a young teen. I lived with my grandparents. My grandfather and I were wrestling around on the floor, when something just "happened". He caught himself. It was an awkward moment. He referred to himself as a "dirty old man" and cried. I felt horrible and strange all at the same time. He never did anything like that again. And up to now, I have never mentioned it to anyone.

So you may ask, did I ever tell anybody? Or why didn't I tell anybody?

I loved my uncle to death. He was really cool. He was good looking. He was fun to hang out with. You get the picture.

When I was about 15, I finally got brave enough and I talked to my mom about my uncle. Her solution was to just forget about it and pretend it didn't happen. Sweep it under the rug, they say.

You know I might have been able to do just that, until recently. Him and his wfe JUST had a baby girl a few months ago. I am so torn. I feel like I need to tell his wife, but I am afraid to tell her. I know if I find out sometime in the future that he ever laid a hand on her in that way and I was able to help prevent it, I will be sick to my stomach. DANG I don't know what to do. Was it just a "kid" thing? Is he over whatever made him do it to start with? Do I talk to him? Do I talk to his wife? GEEZ!!!

My darling husband thinks the deal with my uncle was a fluke thing. I am sorry, dear, but a fluke thing doesn't happen for almost a decade. There are things that it took me several years to become comfortable with between my husband and I because of my past. I know my experience was no where near as bad as others, but it was still there. It still makes me leary of any man that even glances at one of my 2 daughters. It still brings on a feeling of uneasiness when I leave my girls with their own father for a little while. Do I think he would hurt them in that way? NOT ON MY LIFE, but there is still a doubt, you know? I don't know that I will ever get past that.


This now brings this all to the present.

One of my oldest and dearest friends has had to go through this recently with her daughter. To this day her little girl has not named her abuser. Everyone has their suspicions, but since she won't actually name them, they can't do anything. I so feel for that girl and her mother. Her mother and I suspected something was up a long time before it became known. I so wish he could have acted on our instincts to save her more pain and humiliation.

This past weekend, I find out that my cousin's little girl is now in the same boat. She is 6 now. She told her paternal grandma about what was going on last summer. She was 5. That grandmother filed the complaint. The abuser was her maternal grandfather.

I'm just sick! I find this information out on Saturday and not direct from the source. I spend several hours online trying to verify since it seems so preposterous. I finally have to call a friend who is an attorney in the same state, although a different county to help me. She located the info and then helped me decipher the legal mumbo jumbo. My cousin's dad is serving 2 25-year sentences concurrently. He is in his 50's.

After I have all this info verified, I wanted to call my cousin. I don't talk to her very often, but had a sudden feeling of needing to call her a few weeks ago. I shrugged it off, but wish now I hadn't. It was right around the time her dad was sentenced. I did ge over my nervousness and called her last night and we got to chat for a bit. I told her I was there for her if she needed someone to talk to. Well imagine my surprise when she admitted her dad had abused her as well. She told me she thought she was doing well to keep her daughter safe. She still doens't know all that happened with her little girl and I honestly think she really doesn't want to know the details. When my cousin told her mom all those many years ago about what happened (or rather WAS happening), her mom did the same as my mom. Surprise, surprise!!

I am so sorry her daughter had to go through that from someone that she loved and trusted. I am glad that little girl had someone she trusted enough to believe her story so she could get it out in the open and not have to suffer in silence for years like her mother did. I am also glad that it is over and that my other 2 cousin's future daughter's will not be exposed to it.

How refreshing

The kids and I had a playdate today.

My friend J, who I have mentioned before, invited us over to play. It was so incredible to sit and have an adult conversation. We talked about all kinds of things and I feel so ......... refreshed.......energized ........ HUMAN!!!!

Wow it has been so long, I didn't realize how much I needed that. My younger kids played with her younger kids and there were relatively few tears shed among the 6 of them.

She is inspiring, witty, and funny.

Thank you, J, for inviting us into your home and sharing your hospitality with us. We will have to do it again sometime.

Sickies, sickies, GO AWAY!!!!!!

This round of the sickies started last Monday. John got sick in the middle of the night and it continued on into Tuesday. The poor little guy pretty much slept the 2 days away. After that he got a runny nose and a cough. For the most part his nose runs clear, but every now and then it has been green. EWWW! YUCK! The cough has gotten progressively worse over the last 2 days. Today he has just coughed and coughed and coughed and coughed. And CRIED!!! Oh my, it has me on the brink of insanity. I felt helpless. He woke up from his nap with a low temp so I gave him some Motrin. While that brought down the temp, it didn't help the crankies. He didn't know what he wanted. I took him to see daddy and daddy tried to listen to his lungs to see if he was wheezing, but he wasn't sure since he was so fussy. Daddy recommended a call to the doc. I dosed him with Tylenol w/ codeine and gave him a breathing treatment. He refused the bath. When I took his clothes off to get him ready for bed, you could see his chest sucking is with each breath. It is so heartbreaking. As of 11 pm, he is finally sleeping peacefully and currently not coughing.

Now in the middle of all of John's crankiness, Brandy complained of a stomach ache. Not 15 minutes later, she started vomiting. NOT AGAIN!!!!! So I kept running between rooms checking on the little ones. Brandy just had another episode and I got out the Phenergran suppositories. I hope they work for her. Last time she was sick, we wound up in the ER for severe dehydration. So right now she is in her bed watching 101 Dalmations and Ash has chosen to sleep on the couch tonight since they usually sleep together.

My plans for tomorrow are now all mixed up. It looks like Mark will take the older 2 and go to my niece's 1st Communion. I will take Ash later and go with her to the mass with the Archbishop in honor of her work on her religious award in girl scouts. Glad Mark is home tomorrow. That way at least one of us is there to participate in the activities.

Summer of Learning

I feel the educational system around here is highly lacking. I feel my kids are being slighted in their chance to love learning. My oldest is in 7th grade and the next is in 4th grade. My 7th grader has NEVER done a book report, a bug collection, a science fair project, or a research paper. The only difference for my 4th grader is she has done ONE book report. Are we short changing our kids because everything is focused on the standardized tests? How accurately do those test really show what they have learned? As you can tell this is really bothering me.

I don't want to ACTUALLY homeschool my kids, but I want them to have a more complete and well-rounded education. I do believe them attending public school does have its own merits - social, sports, clubs, etc. That and I don't believe I am actually qualified to teach them everything they need to know.

So I have come up with a plan. A summer of learning. A summer of FUN educational experiences for my family. The most surprising thing is they are excited about it. So you might ask, what do we have planned?

• ant farms
• bug collections
• Elvis (a trip to Graceland is planned)
• the history of Kentucky (vacation destination)
• caves and bats
• museums
• nature walks
• leaf collections
• photography
• book club
• research projects
• science projects
• raising butterflies

I have already given them their first project. What is something that was invented in Oklahoma? Why? Where? Who? When? I have given them a week. Ashleigh already has most of hers done.

They each have their own notebooks so they can keep their notes and I can write down each of their projects. I hope this instills a love of learning into each of them as they realize it can be fun to learn new things. If it goes well, we may well continue our projects through the school year.

Wish us luck on our new journey.

New friendships

So I mentioned in my previous post about meeting a lady who has 8 kids. Let me clarify a bit. I actually met my friend "J" 2 years ago at church. John was a newborn and she was expecting her 8th baby. I don't remember if she told me originally how many she had. I liked her immediately. She is such a wonderful person and so true to our faith. I saw her again last Sunday and chatted with her a few minutes and I got her number to call her.

After a few rounds of phone tag this week, I finally got to talk to her today. We talked for over an hour. She is even more incredible than I could have imagined. I have always been drawn to her even before I considered added more to our family. She is warm and wonderful person. Totally into her family and her church. I admire her so much. I asked her so many questions. Who woud have guessed that she lives in a house not much bigger than ours? Or that financially she is in the same place we are? Or that she orginally only wanted 4? Or that her family and friends have acted the same way towards her as she added on to her family as mine has?

We talked about shopping with kids. How much the older ones help out. How much her husband helps out. Her reasons for homeschooling. My reasons for not. Her two recent miscarriages. How her oldest boy and mine are so much alike. How we were worried about the older ones feeling neglected by having so many younger siblings.

Matter of fact I was so engrossed in our conversation that I missed my turn to go to the Arts Festival and wound up on the other side of town. LOL! So I turned around and got there and realized it was way too crowded for my likings so I took Brandy to the park near home instead.

I see this new friendship as a blessing. Even if we choose to not add more to our clan, I look forward t a blossoming friendship with her and her fmaily.

So it made me start thinking

I have 4 beautiful children. They are fairly well behaved for being children. I mean you can't expect little adults, right? Ever since John was born Mark and I have told everybody that we were done. We have 4, 2 of each. The numbers were perfect. We are done having babies. EXCEPT, I have never wanted to get Mark snipped. I have fought this with every fiber of my being for 2 years now. And really for no apparently good reason, because like I said, we are done.

Well now I have changed my mind. Why am I no longer satisfied with 4? This month I was 10 days late and it really made me start thinking (and unfortunately Mark as well). I'm not done. That's plain and simple to me. There have been a bunch of tears shed in these past several days. Less than 6 months ago, Mark was talking about another one. When I mentioned giving up trying to persue the cause of my aches and pains, Mark told me if I gave up, he'd go get snipped. That I promised him another baby someday.

It was so incredibly exciting to think I might be expecting again. Well for me anyway. Mark was stressed. He even told me he didn't want it. Which just stressed him out even more because he knew I did. We have NEVER been on opposite sides of a major issue before and didn't quite know what to do. We did a lot of talking and soul searching. We each made propositions to the other which the other didn't accept. We then started talking about compromise.

I need to put out here what his proposition to me was as it really played on me and he knew it would and then I will also put what mine was to him as well as the final compromise.

He told me if the pregnancy scare was a complete false alarm, that he would get me a horse when John went to school all day. That is still 3 years from now. I have been asking for a horse off and on since we got together. Can I trade a baby for a horse? Hmmmm? It really makes me think. Am I ready to move past diapers and nursing and sleepless nights and toddler tantrums?

Now my proposition to him was a bit, ok well a lot, more selfish on my part. I asked for 1 month. Unprotected. If it was meant to be, it would happen. If not, then we were done. Of course, Mark has a conscience and wouldn't do it. Said if he agreed then it was no longer and accident.

This is what the main crux of our conversation was over the past week. On Sunday, I met up with a lady that has 8 children. I love her to bits. She is so funny and warm and caring. Her kids are always well mannered and well kept. I got her number so I could call her and talk. I plan on doing just that today. Mark has been asking me how we can do it with 5. He needs to know families can and do survive. She sat with us for a few minutes and regaled us with funny stories of her youngest boys. Mark is still chuckling about it. I needed him to see that it will be fun to have more and not just a burden.

So the original compromise was to re-evaluate in 1 year as to if we wanted another. I guess that was more if he was willing to give me another. We settled on 6 months. I can do 6 months. I also know that I will get my way. He has never NOT given me something I wanted.

As for my horse, we will wait and see. When the time is right it will happen and that much I know. With or without my husband's proposition.

For now, the fat lady has sung.

more grumbling

I have to do something to get myself out of this funk. I don't have much of an appetite and I have hardly spoken to my family today.

Every Sunday, after church, they have coffee and doughnuts. Since the older kids have Sunday School, I have to sit and wait for them to get out. So John and I go and have a doughnut (or 2) and Mark goes with us when he isn't at work. Today they are having a reception so it is extra crowded. John is sitting in a chair next to me eating his glazed doughnut. After the 1st one is finished he asked for more. So we go and get another one for him. After he finished the second one off, I took him into the bathroom to wash his face and hands. Grandma followed us into the bathroom. When we left the bathroom, he asked for another doughnut and I told him no. He then lays down on the floor near the table and refuses to get up. I just leave him there and make sure no one will step on him. Grandma comes up, leans down and grabs him by the seat of his pants and hauls him to his feet. he heads straight back over to the doughnuts. I grab him up and take him over to daddy. Grandma follows with her own doughnut that she proceeds to share with him. She finishes the first one and goes back and gets a second one to share with him. It dawned on me much later, that he got his way and got another doughnut in a round-about sort of way.
Well guess what happened after dinner tonight. John threw up. And I am blamed for giving him the second doughnut!!!! He ate his doughnuts at 11 am and throws up at 7:30 pm, but yet it is my fault!! I guess I need to find something "better" for him to eat then doughnuts. Either that or get him one and then leave with him so he won't want more. Why do I feel like such a bad mom?

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We are trying to plan our summer vacation. Realistically, I don't think it is going to happen financially. We owe Mark's dad some money. I paid a large chunk out of our tax return. It is definitely down to the point of me having him completely paid off in a year (or less). I didn't want to use our whole tax return on it but Mark wants to pay him off completely. So I am pretty sure our trip to California is out for this summer. I want to go see Liz. I am seriously tempted to figure out how to fly out there and surprise her ALONE!!! I'll have to check on airline tickets. HMMMMM???
Ok sorry, I got distracted there. So we are trying to figure out where we want (or can afford) to go. I mention Cody, WY, more than once and Mark has shot it down every time saying it sounds boring. He knows NOTHING about the place and yet he doesn't want to go. Fine. I am not going to give my input. I will go anywhere the kids and he decides and make all the plans or arrangements.

Who Am I??

At some point I think I have lost my identity.

What defines who I am? I am a mother and a wife. I don't feel like much else. What happened to me? Who am I?

Lately I don't even feel like I am good wife and mother. I feel like I am a lousy friend and I KNOW I am a lousy daughter. I go months without talking to my parents. That is with the exception of my step-dad. I used to talk to him daily, but even lately that is more like once a week.

Why am I seemingly jealous of my husband's friendships?

I just feel LOST. I don't get me time. I can't tell you the last time I had a chance to go do something that pampered me.

Mark has gone out and bought a gun and a scope for it. I asked him the other day if I could go get the blocks to go start working on my front flowerbed. He said no that we should wait. Well there goes another year. I can't plant any flowers. I pointed out to him today that he has gone and spent a bunch of money on hunting stuff recently and I asked him if I could get anything. He told me that he wants to do something special for me, but I never give him any money. Hell! I didn't go pick out that rifle or that scope. Why can't he just take me and HELP me pick out something? Crap by the time he is done getting all the hunting stuff he wants and paying off everything he wants to pay off. The whole damn tax return will be gone. And then we will be broke again and I still get put off.

Come next month he will be off hunting with his friends again. At least now Eric can go with him as long as it is on the weekends or after school.

I'm just tired of feeling lonely. The sad thing is he has been with me pretty much nonstop for the past 3 days. He left at 12:30 for lunch with a friend. It is now almost 8 pm and he still isn't home and he only called once. Hope he doens't expect a decent dinner. The kids had canned chicken noodle soup. I probably won't eat. He told me to make BBQ for dnner, but it's not like he was here to eat it anyway. Glad I didn't waste my time.

Class schedule

I got my class schedule.

I have English Comp II and Perspective Drawing. I have my books ordered and I should get them by Thursday which happens o be the 1st day of class.

I am not looking forward to the English class. What sucks is I have taken it once before, but my computer crashed right before finals and I didn't get a chance to actually finish.

I am excited about the drawing class though. I think I may have discovered an inner love. It is so wonderful to be able to use a pencil and paper and being able to create something. I guess that is how an author feels about their work as well.

It's been a nice break

I have not been able to motivate myself to cook lately. I mean, yes, I have cooked. It has been macaroni and cheese and toast. I made nachos on Wednesday, but that has been it since last weekend. Just no desire, or motivation, or creativity to put together a full meal for my family.

I sweet talked Mark into taking the family to P.F. Chang's for dinner Saturday night. Oh my! That was incredible!!! It also cost us almost $100. Ooops! It will be a rare treat for us. Not to mention the kids were all insane.
John doesn't seem to know how to sit down to eat a meal. I know, what do I expect? He's only 2. But geesh it wears on my nerves!!!
Brandy was whining through the whole thing. Well until we got food.
Ashleigh and Brandy argued. Ashleigh and Eric argued.
Eric put his menu up on the table in front of him like a barricade. GRRRRRRR!

Calgon!! Take me away!!!!!

After church ysterday, we stopped by the grocery store and tried to figure out what we wanted for dinner. 2 kids wanted spaghetti, 1 wanted fried chicken. Mark and I didn't want either. So we wandered aimlessly through the store. Mark stopped to look at the meat counter. He came back with a brilliant idea of steak fingers. It was brilliant because it meant he was going to cook it since I very rarely fry anything. Last night's dinner wound up being steak fingers and gravy, corn, fried okra, and rolls. YUM! Ok, everything but the okra. But on a good note, John and Brandy both ate the okra and John actually ate a bit of the meat. I don't know if he has eaten any meat but a chicken nugget in I don't know how long!!! (Is a chicken nugget even meat??)

Tonight's dinner is supposed to be stuffed bell peppers for Mark and I, and meatloaf for the kids. Maybe the coconut cream pie I attempted to make for last night will be set up and ready to eat tonight.

Brandy and more

I get so busy that I forget to come update my blog, but I am going to try and do better.

Here is a quick update to bring everyone up to date on our little corner of the world:

• Mark is about to get promoted to Sergeant. Probably by the end of this month. This has been a long wait for us to get to this point. When he gets promoted, he goes from a yellow helmet to a black one. I am excited for him, he so deserves it.
• I just re-enrolled in school. I am returning to the Arts Institute of Pittsburgh-Online Division. I have changed my major though from Interior Design to Graphic Design. I am in love with the arts and want to explore it more fully in all mediums. I start class on February 14th.
• Not much new with Eric. Trying to keep him afloat in Algebra I.
• Ashleigh is still the same as well. Currently she is selling Girl Scout cookies, but does not seem to be as gung ho about it as she has been in past years.
• Brandy - I will cover more of her in a minute.
• John is almost 23 months now and in to EV.ER.Y.THING!!! He is truly a blessing, but he is making me pull out my hair. He LOVES trains, football, and CARS (especially Mack, the semi).

Brandy update.

She will soon be 5. (Next Wednesday) When did she grow up? Better yet, who gave her permission to grow up? She was such a tiny thing when she was born. Just 4 pounds 13 ounces at 4 days shy of her due date. She was born 2 days after my beloved grandfather passed away. Of all of my kids, she was the only one born with any marks on her face. She had angel kisses and stork bites. I truly feel that her angel kisses were real kisses from an angel. She got to spend 2 days with Grand-dad before being deliverd to me. Even now you can still see faint traces of her "kisses" on her forehead. I call her my "Angel". Not because she is better than my other kids, but moreso because of the circumstances of her birth. They all understand that so there has not been any hard feelings about her nickname.

She had her check up today. She weighs 37 pounds and is 3' 9". The doctor predicts her future height to be 5'5". She is right on target developmentally. She does have some impetigo around her mouth that I am to treat with vaseline on her lips and neosporin on the bumbs. She was also diagnosed with alopecia. The doctor doesn't think it is the kind that causes complete baldness, but it is sort of a wait and see kind of thing. She said there is not much we can do to treat it and her hair should start growing back in 6 months or so, but she may lose more before that. Other than her losing patches of her beautiful hair, I guess if worse comes to worse she gets to wear beautiful scarves.

A truly adored friend of mine, just returned from a trip back to her native country - India. She picked out a gorgeous dress for Brandy and will be sending it to me soon. I can't wait to see her in it. She is going to be a perfect little princess in her new party dress. It will probably be her Easter dress.